Becoming Dad

May 1, 2025

Maybe you always wanted to be a dad. Or maybe fatherhood was something you tried to avoid. Maybe it scared you. Maybe it scares you still.

But now, however you got here, here you are—a father. And you always will be. And nothing in your life will be quite the same. I hope the changes and experiences you have as a new father will be as wonderful as mine have been.

I became a dad in my 50s, when I married the mother of a one-year-old. Having a family and raising a child changed everything, predictably maybe, but profoundly all the same. Less predictably, becoming a dad has been the most extraordinary and meaningful experience of my life, which is all a long winded way of saying that it has made me deeply happy, in ways I did not foresee.

We all know there are lousy dads. You might know a few. There is no magic in the act of having kids that makes us better people or makes our role in the world a positive one. Except maybe for this bit of magic, that in parenting in a willful and loving way we gain a connection to our own past and an investment in the future that is both deeply socializing and motivating.

The strength of need
When we parent we learn what a child needs, and how so much of what they need goes beyond warmth and food and comfort of the body, to expressions of touch and sound and play. We learn that love isn't an abstract thing at all, or a thing that you can give in words. In this way, we also learn what we needed—and did or did not receive—when we were kids. We gain a gift of insight into ourselves. This insight can give us some compassion for, or at least understanding of the adults we have become. We can learn something about the origins of our angers and fears, and in learning these things, gain an upper hand over our inner demons.

Our children—all children—are so incredibly vulnerable, for such an incredibly long time. While societies love stories of resilient children raised by wolves to become lords of the jungle, or kids who survive abuse or war, or rise from poverty to become inspirational beacons, we know that these are mostly just stories. There was no Tarzan, no Mowgli. And for every abused or neglected child that overcomes their disadvantage and who then goes on to tell of it, there are thousands more who are forever only broken and shackled by their past.

What matters now, and here, to you
Consider this: raising your child might be the most impactful thing you will do in your life. You might aspire to more than “just” being a good parent. I hope you do, and I wish you success in those aspirations. But the vast majority of us will not stop or start wars or cure diseases or build empires or become wealthy or gain any celebrity.

We are, most of us, people with little power or status or wealth. For us, striving for our children's best possible future might be the single most powerful deed we will perform in this life. And it's no small thing to raise a child well, if you believe, as I believe, that devotion to our children is an act of devotion to our collective future.

So welcome to fatherhood. Enjoy it. Embrace it.